4 long bitchy posts about my ugly skin, my ugliness and crappy self.
20 lost pounds.
1 severely damaged self esteem.
0 contenders.
--
It's been bad lah, i really have to admit.
I put on a mask to say i'm okay, it's just something God gave to test me, it'll go away.
I put on another to say hey, i'm fine with it. Don't pity me.
I put on another saying Don't bug me about it. I don't want you to see.
I tell myself ergh, how could anyone love this?
How could anyone see this and not feel disgusted?
I felt like a leper, *less severe but still as ugly*
I lost the will to love this body, this ugly THING.
I lost the want to take care of this ugly shell.
So i drop to a meal a day.
--
I pushed a lot of people away because of this.
Some people don't even know that i suffered so much emotionally, because i made a decision to close it up inside and hide it, thinking that maybe if i could hide it away, it would eventually go away too.
I suffered so much cos i tortured myself with thoughts of loneliness, doubts and insecurity.
I'll just cry myself to sleep for weeks and nobody would notice.
Cos i'd just hide it under my pillow and nobody would know.
Once or twice, someone saw but i pushed them away too.
--
I ask God, "I don't feel like i'm going anywhere. I hate myself, i hate this body. Am i still your work in progress?"
No answer.
Wrong question.
I felt led to ask another question, "What do YOU see? Show me what You see. I want to see what You see."
Right question.
Creation : Carefully shaped masterpiece.
"Carefully shaped?," i think,
"Even with this ugly skin and all the crappiness?
You actually MADE me that way? WHY?"
"I created you this way so that you can see what's inside, the beauty inside and the importance of it."
--
It's hard to see, but i'm learning.
It's hard to do, but i'm learning how to be honest and trust people and throw away the masks.
It's hard to believe, but i do.
It's hard to live out, but it's worth it.
You know if i'd never had this, i would have never gotten here.
I would have never cared about anything more than guys, my looks and material things.
So i thank God for this.
I'm purposely made like this.
And i'd rather be an ugly shell with a testimony attached than a bimbo airhead who cares only for the outer beauty and is blind to the importance of beauty inside.
20 lost pounds.
1 severely damaged self esteem.
0 contenders.
--
It's been bad lah, i really have to admit.
I put on a mask to say i'm okay, it's just something God gave to test me, it'll go away.
I put on another to say hey, i'm fine with it. Don't pity me.
I put on another saying Don't bug me about it. I don't want you to see.
I tell myself ergh, how could anyone love this?
How could anyone see this and not feel disgusted?
I felt like a leper, *less severe but still as ugly*
I lost the will to love this body, this ugly THING.
I lost the want to take care of this ugly shell.
So i drop to a meal a day.
--
I pushed a lot of people away because of this.
Some people don't even know that i suffered so much emotionally, because i made a decision to close it up inside and hide it, thinking that maybe if i could hide it away, it would eventually go away too.
I suffered so much cos i tortured myself with thoughts of loneliness, doubts and insecurity.
I'll just cry myself to sleep for weeks and nobody would notice.
Cos i'd just hide it under my pillow and nobody would know.
Once or twice, someone saw but i pushed them away too.
--
I ask God, "I don't feel like i'm going anywhere. I hate myself, i hate this body. Am i still your work in progress?"
No answer.
Wrong question.
I felt led to ask another question, "What do YOU see? Show me what You see. I want to see what You see."
Right question.
Creation : Carefully shaped masterpiece.
"Carefully shaped?," i think,
"Even with this ugly skin and all the crappiness?
You actually MADE me that way? WHY?"
"I created you this way so that you can see what's inside, the beauty inside and the importance of it."
--
It's hard to see, but i'm learning.
It's hard to do, but i'm learning how to be honest and trust people and throw away the masks.
It's hard to believe, but i do.
It's hard to live out, but it's worth it.
You know if i'd never had this, i would have never gotten here.
I would have never cared about anything more than guys, my looks and material things.
So i thank God for this.
I'm purposely made like this.
And i'd rather be an ugly shell with a testimony attached than a bimbo airhead who cares only for the outer beauty and is blind to the importance of beauty inside.
