Sunday, May 27, 2007

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To be told that people that you sorta know from afar read your blog is kinda freaky. Makes me feel like rewriting this or editing that or omitting certain things or wishing i wrote better. -Boy i feel like a Stepford wife, the kind that has to clean up before guests step into the house-

Oh well, what i write, errors and all are just part n parcel of who i am -cursing included too. So if this is someone that you wanna know, then keep on reading but if i offend you, haha tata! Maybe i'm direct and i go straight to the point, rude or not, maybe i am more ambiguous and reserved, its all me.

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I think i might have paid a bribe today.
Haha it wasn't a criminal one.
It was a bribe so that i won't have to hear all about this embarrassing incident in the future when i'm fifty if i didn't pay it. But it wasn't so bad. Not paid to a policeman, but to a close friend. Who, i'm sure, will find an occasion to remind me of this again.

You know, we all do things like this. Emotional bribes. Like when you say sorry even though you're not but just to diffuse the angry moment. It's a bribe, to make the situation better for the time being. Or when you give in to a friend over a dress that you both want but don't want to be seen in the same dress at the same occasion. It's a bribe, for your friendship.

Is it dishonest if you want to keep the calm, not rock the boat? Is it plain and simple dishonest like paying a bribe to our local policemen? I suppose it is, and you're suppressing the truth inside you, that you might really disagree with their point of view, that you really want the dress anyway. It probably could be better if you just tell the truth and work around that, maybe having to agree to disagree. I guess that would take a whole lot more work than just keeping quiet, like i like to do.

Saturday, May 26, 2007

Ok i give up

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Bleurgh. I give up. Haha, can't go without blogging.

Watched Pirates last thursday. It was not as good as the previous two that really kept me laughing all throughout the movie from start to end, especially since this time there was this little stupid bitch who kept kicking my chair.

As all of you know i have almost no patience at all. I think i gave her a good amount of patience this time. When she first started kicking, i just said Do you mind? softly, in hopes that she will stop, but she didn't. So the second time round, when she started her kick fest again, i really yelled at her to stop kicking the chair. She did. Which was good otherwise i would probably have dumped my coke on her.

You know, its bitchy ole ppl like that who really piss me off. Hello, you're shorter than me, even my knees won't reach the chair in front when i'm sittin right, what the hell makes you think you need more leg space. And mind you, we were in One U. Yes, the revamped GSC, with ample leg space for all us Asian five-foot-sixes. And since i'm a five foot six and she's shorter...yeah you tell me. Itchy or bitchy? you know, she's tied with the evil LEG SHAKER, who will shake the heck out of the connected chairs in the row, and the NO PHONE ETIQUETTE, who will talk - LOUDLY no less - on the phone while the movie is going on. Yeah like duh i'm gonna yell at you to stop!

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Anyway, i'm phoneless for the time being so if you texted me or called me, i didn't get it. Will get it back by next week. Boo-yah!

Monday, May 21, 2007

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Its amazing how much sarcasm, boredom or dullness you can mask with a switch of periods to exclamation points. For example,

That's super! Good 4u!...

Sounds supportive, excited...Now lets see the flipside to all this "excitement",

That's super. Good 4u....

See the difference?

Alright then. Demo #3 tango niner OVER.

Friday, May 11, 2007

Maybe...

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There's a light! There! At the end of the tunnel! Look!
Eh? Cheh...its only a train.
TRAIN??? Run!!!!

Spidey had an amazing load of good sense. Haha, so much so my friend kept quoting. Oh well. Everywhere there's good sense, just whether you wanna listen to it or not.
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Heh, i decided not to elaborate.
I've talked enough about angry stuff, i want to subscribe to a happier me.
And i'm gonna start by taking a sort of fast...
a Fast from blogging.
I spend too much time here online that i don't finish things i wanna do.
So here's to a months worth of non-blogging.
Will be back June 11th.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

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Its nice to have things to do. Takes your mind of loads of things. Just pile on the things. Although sometimes my contrary nature might just want to escape into sleep instead of doing those things after i pile them up on my to-do list lah of course

Got a new phone to replace the ratty old one. Thank goodness. Stupid old phone.

Anyway, this is a boring update to a boring life. Bleurgh.

Saturday, May 05, 2007

No rest for the wicked

I didn't get that before. Now i do, and oh boy, i sure do.
Cos today is one of those days.

Escapism day.
So what if i whine, i can do whatever i want, screw all of you.
I woke up at 9am, problems strewed in through my phone.
Felt like chucking my phone and having the satisfaction of watching it and hopefully my problems along with it crack into a million pieces.
Slept again at 11am, cos i just couldn't take the crappy shit coming through my phone.
Woke up again at around 3pm.
Aha, new messages, new problems.
This time phone was found on the floor, a far fall from my loft bed.
Maybe in my sleep, i subconsciously chucked it, unsuccessfully.
Answered the fucking messages and decided to go back to sleep.
*Have you begun to understand why i like to sleep so much?*
Wake up at around 9pm. Feeling hungry and lonely.

That's the thing you know, i feel so lonely, but i just really rather not be with people sometimes. I just want to be left alone but i feel lonely. That is something i just don't get.

Now.
I just...ahhh...i'm just sick of everything lah.
I don't even want to do anything right or wrong.
I'm hurt and confused.
One moment its oh i care take your time
the next is do it now.
You just don't get it.
I don't want to do it cos its right, cos i have to do it.
I don't care to do anything of the sort.
I want to do it cos i want to do it.
But you just can't understand that can you?
You who are supposed to be the one who loves me, the one who cares
but you are the one who keeps bugging me about every single freaking thing on planet earth.
So go on, leave, forget all about me cos it's so damned easy.
I'm just so sick of being pushed around, people forcing me to do this do that.
Fuck all of you.

Don't message me, call me or say anything to me. Please i beg you. Don't. I'm too tired to care or listen. Cos you don't listen. You say you do, you say you understand, but really you don't. Cos it all comes back to the same thing, you just don't get it. You always say you listen but you prove in the next that you haven't. I tell you not to say anything, but you just have to bring it up at least once, otherwise you cannot tahan cannot sleep isit? Does it make you glad that i have no one to tell but you, and now you don't listen so i have no one but this fucking blog? I think it does you know. All my misery and hurt just makes you happy in some way somehow.

It's never enough. You just don't see it.

Friday, May 04, 2007

The Notebook

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Didn't see it until today, even though it came out in 2004.
I wish i had someone like that, to read to me everyday, to love me everyday, in hopes that one day i'll come back, no matter when, just one day.
No matter when.

I cried buckets.

Cos i know its just a movie, and i know its just wishful thinking.

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You can't make it right.
You can't make me do it.

Cos the thing is, i don't care anymore.
I don't care.
And you forced me to it.
I just don't care anymore.

And if this is love, then i don't want it.
I reject this "love".
Love is not making people do things.
Love inspires people to do things.
Or maybe that's just wishful thinking again.

I just want to go far far away.
To die old and alone and chance getting eaten by my cat.
I don't want anybody.

I just want people to leave me alone.

Thursday, May 03, 2007

Beeyotch

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I wish i could live a completely superficial life and not care. I wish i could move to NY, and really start over, with nobody who knows me, no friends, no family, nothing.

I chopped my hair.
I gave myself a fringe.

I like it.
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Of course, i'll have to like it.
Kinda stuck now.

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I hate my skin. Everyday i look and see beautiful people, and i wish i was like them. I see people wearing nice things that i want to wear too, but can't. I see people doing all sorts of things without worrying whether their ugly back or tummy is sticking out, whether people will catch a glimpse and go yuck. The thing is, i've never been in as good a shape as i am now. I finally love the size of my calves and basically the size of everything. I'm even used to my miniscule you know whats. Sigh. This sucks.

Why can't i be beautiful too. Fuck.

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Here's an extremely long post by Ash, my writerfriend/sadcase teman/drama buddy.

Godly Sermons

I feel inspired.

And I shall not reveal my source, due to shallow human perception. For the smallest of things can influence the greatest of thoughts. Upon revealing my source, my godly sermons shall not be taken seriously and as such the liability of it's truth, will be greatly doubted and it is vital, that some amount of this reaches the minds of few who are enlightened enough to not judge it's palatability rather to extend it's depth and use it as a method of coping or in Darwin's own words, surviving. Natural selection.

Now if you just did not understand that, my apologies.

Acknowledgement = acceptance = belonging

Agreed?
Yes?
Well, say No and amuse me for a wee bit.

Why do we hurt?
No really. Why do we?
Attachment. No? Yes? Alright. Attachment it is.
What is it in this attachment that causes hurt? When they matter to you. And when they don't, it doesn't hurt.
Human emotions can be reduced to the most mechanical of forms when thought about it thoroughly enough. The very essence of being human, is the self. The self which is you. What you think that matters, what you do that matters, what defines you that matters. And what or rather who defines you, is no other, than merely, you.
So human beings are selfish little buggers, if you look at it that way. No such thing as living for others. Yes we do, because you haven't really experienced life til you live for somethings other than yourself. But at the end of the day, can you live for others when you need some vital part of yourself to do that living for?

And it's this little bit of us, in the most selfless of beings, that we use to attach to other people. And what's amazing is, this very little bit of us, is so vulnerable to hurt and the little bit there is, can stir the most penetrating of thoughts. Like this little bit of me.
So imagine the people, with huge bits of themselves. Why do we revel in our problems so much? And when we do, we realise that we're just getting more self-evolved. And why do we turn to our attachments for solace?

Because of the other human need that no human being can live without. Of course, living without it, would be the utter pinnacle of divinity. Now, just WHAT is this need that all of us can't really survive without?

Belonging.
Yes, we all feel the need to belong to something, someone, some place. It gives us a sense of ground. You see, our own selves aren't enough. We aren't merely satisfied with belonging to ourselves. We are instead, satisfied when we belong to a person, grounded with the feeling of attachment many people call love.

But what happens when we rid ourselves of this need?
We become what's opposed to love.
Indifference.

And what happens then?
It has both it's bad points and good points.
We feel free of pain. Free of hurt. Free. We are then thoroughly free people, not bound by the norms and expectations of people. We are limitless, boundless, free beings. We do not expect nor do we hurt. We do not judge, we do not have sanctions. We do not love and we are not loved back.

Does it matter, if we aren't loved back?
To everyone, it essentially does.
Can you love, without expecting, to love back?
Can you give, without expecting to receive?
Can you live without the idea of Karma, that whatever good you do now will be rewarded at the end?
Even religion deems us to expect. Do good and I'll see ya in Heaven. Do bad and aloha Hell. Either good or bad, you expect something. Reward of punishment. Point being, you expect.

And if your expectations are fulfilled, you feel redeemed through a sense of belonging. And then nothing else matters anymore. Because you have been accepted, by a higher power. Someone you deem higher than you. Or anyone for that matter. Even religion pushes us that way.

So basic point here being, is this a crime? To expect?
It depends on what you want, really.
What you're willing to risk, what you're willing to endure, what you're willing to receive. Also, what you're willing to expect. It's a circle.
I've realised, I need higher powers to pass me for certain things that will enable me to succeed according to a system we have made.

But what I do not need, is the acceptance of others to judge myself. To judge my success, my woes, my trouble and my euphoria. I live by a system to co-exist peacefully. I however, will not let a system, hinder me.

I think I've said enough. The floor's open to debate. I am curious to hear what mere mortals have to say.
Good day.

I don't exactly agree with all that she writes but the general gist of it is rather accurate to what the evil little selfish being in me wants to believe. Will rethink this at a later date and write a little reply of my own. =P

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Miserable

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Misery loves company. Really it does.
I can't stand all these cheery happy clappy types as of this mo.

So if you're happy clappy, eff off.
Cos i might just bite your head off.

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I've just finished my labels. My brand new iron on transfer labels. Of course i'm not gonna put them up here, cos things go stolen all the time on the web. I'm making bags for Drea, Qian and some friends so they'll get a look at them first, although i'm not quite sure how to get Qian's one to her.