Beeyotch

I wish i could live a completely superficial life and not care. I wish i could move to NY, and really start over, with nobody who knows me, no friends, no family, nothing.

I chopped my hair.
I gave myself a fringe.

I like it.
-----

Of course, i'll have to like it.
Kinda stuck now.

-----

I hate my skin. Everyday i look and see beautiful people, and i wish i was like them. I see people wearing nice things that i want to wear too, but can't. I see people doing all sorts of things without worrying whether their ugly back or tummy is sticking out, whether people will catch a glimpse and go yuck. The thing is, i've never been in as good a shape as i am now. I finally love the size of my calves and basically the size of everything. I'm even used to my miniscule you know whats. Sigh. This sucks.

Why can't i be beautiful too. Fuck.

-----

Here's an extremely long post by Ash, my writerfriend/sadcase teman/drama buddy.

Godly Sermons

I feel inspired.

And I shall not reveal my source, due to shallow human perception. For the smallest of things can influence the greatest of thoughts. Upon revealing my source, my godly sermons shall not be taken seriously and as such the liability of it's truth, will be greatly doubted and it is vital, that some amount of this reaches the minds of few who are enlightened enough to not judge it's palatability rather to extend it's depth and use it as a method of coping or in Darwin's own words, surviving. Natural selection.

Now if you just did not understand that, my apologies.

Acknowledgement = acceptance = belonging

Agreed?
Yes?
Well, say No and amuse me for a wee bit.

Why do we hurt?
No really. Why do we?
Attachment. No? Yes? Alright. Attachment it is.
What is it in this attachment that causes hurt? When they matter to you. And when they don't, it doesn't hurt.
Human emotions can be reduced to the most mechanical of forms when thought about it thoroughly enough. The very essence of being human, is the self. The self which is you. What you think that matters, what you do that matters, what defines you that matters. And what or rather who defines you, is no other, than merely, you.
So human beings are selfish little buggers, if you look at it that way. No such thing as living for others. Yes we do, because you haven't really experienced life til you live for somethings other than yourself. But at the end of the day, can you live for others when you need some vital part of yourself to do that living for?

And it's this little bit of us, in the most selfless of beings, that we use to attach to other people. And what's amazing is, this very little bit of us, is so vulnerable to hurt and the little bit there is, can stir the most penetrating of thoughts. Like this little bit of me.
So imagine the people, with huge bits of themselves. Why do we revel in our problems so much? And when we do, we realise that we're just getting more self-evolved. And why do we turn to our attachments for solace?

Because of the other human need that no human being can live without. Of course, living without it, would be the utter pinnacle of divinity. Now, just WHAT is this need that all of us can't really survive without?

Belonging.
Yes, we all feel the need to belong to something, someone, some place. It gives us a sense of ground. You see, our own selves aren't enough. We aren't merely satisfied with belonging to ourselves. We are instead, satisfied when we belong to a person, grounded with the feeling of attachment many people call love.

But what happens when we rid ourselves of this need?
We become what's opposed to love.
Indifference.

And what happens then?
It has both it's bad points and good points.
We feel free of pain. Free of hurt. Free. We are then thoroughly free people, not bound by the norms and expectations of people. We are limitless, boundless, free beings. We do not expect nor do we hurt. We do not judge, we do not have sanctions. We do not love and we are not loved back.

Does it matter, if we aren't loved back?
To everyone, it essentially does.
Can you love, without expecting, to love back?
Can you give, without expecting to receive?
Can you live without the idea of Karma, that whatever good you do now will be rewarded at the end?
Even religion deems us to expect. Do good and I'll see ya in Heaven. Do bad and aloha Hell. Either good or bad, you expect something. Reward of punishment. Point being, you expect.

And if your expectations are fulfilled, you feel redeemed through a sense of belonging. And then nothing else matters anymore. Because you have been accepted, by a higher power. Someone you deem higher than you. Or anyone for that matter. Even religion pushes us that way.

So basic point here being, is this a crime? To expect?
It depends on what you want, really.
What you're willing to risk, what you're willing to endure, what you're willing to receive. Also, what you're willing to expect. It's a circle.
I've realised, I need higher powers to pass me for certain things that will enable me to succeed according to a system we have made.

But what I do not need, is the acceptance of others to judge myself. To judge my success, my woes, my trouble and my euphoria. I live by a system to co-exist peacefully. I however, will not let a system, hinder me.

I think I've said enough. The floor's open to debate. I am curious to hear what mere mortals have to say.
Good day.

I don't exactly agree with all that she writes but the general gist of it is rather accurate to what the evil little selfish being in me wants to believe. Will rethink this at a later date and write a little reply of my own. =P