For all the talents that God has blessed me with, for all the things that i can do, i'm never satisfied. Someone else always is better, more talented, etc.
Jealousy, the good, the bad and the ugly.
Sometimes i'm inspired to be better than those people that i'm jealous of. Perhaps for my own satisfaction, of knowing that i can do it. I have an ongoing competition of sorts with one of my fellow dance mates. I'm not pissed or really angry when she does something better, it just makes me more determined to take that move back and be even better than i was and she is. That in a sense is a good kind of 'jealousy' if you can even call it so.
Sometimes i feel this weird unnerving feeling of insecurity and i feel weak, like whatever that was supporting me before has fallen to pieces. I feel abit apprehensive towards particular people and i'm not as friendly. Usually it happens this way: I'm friends with a particular person, but then i find out things about her/him that disturb me and make me nervous. I was friends with a girl about a year before i got together with a guy. Then some time into the relationship, i find out that my guy had a thing with her. That makes me wonder, and wonder and wonder and wonder until i go out of my mind. Really. I analyse and analyse until i can see that, well, she's not the kinda girl who's out to get my guy or my guy hasn't got any feeling at all left for her or she's already got a new boyfriend. I've made quite a few female friends this way. It was really bad back then compared to now. This is the 'bad' kinda jealousy.
Once or twice only, have i ever experienced the 'ugly' kinda jealousy. Oh man. You probably wouldn't want to be around when this happens. But don't worry, i don't do these things now. This is when i really can't get over something, and my mind keeps running the things that upset me over and over and over until i get really mad. And as i look back at those times, i really wonder what the heck was wrong with me, to do such things, to think in such a stupid way. I usually do something really dumb as a consequence of getting mad from all the ruminating. I had quite a time, especially with girls who just don't know when to quit, being mean or rude, telling them off, and other stuff to get rid of them or something. Surprisingly, i've met quite a few friends this way too.
One guess how many of these friends are female...
And they always say they understand. Then i sense 'kindred spirits' like in Anne of Green Gables. Cos they do understand. I wonder why. Perhaps most women think this way? Perhaps its the age old instinct to protect whats yours? Perhaps we're just not secure enough in the Lord to get over things like these. And so i pray. To not feel jealous of others and to be satisfied with what God has blessed me with.
Jealousy, the good, the bad and the ugly.
Sometimes i'm inspired to be better than those people that i'm jealous of. Perhaps for my own satisfaction, of knowing that i can do it. I have an ongoing competition of sorts with one of my fellow dance mates. I'm not pissed or really angry when she does something better, it just makes me more determined to take that move back and be even better than i was and she is. That in a sense is a good kind of 'jealousy' if you can even call it so.
Sometimes i feel this weird unnerving feeling of insecurity and i feel weak, like whatever that was supporting me before has fallen to pieces. I feel abit apprehensive towards particular people and i'm not as friendly. Usually it happens this way: I'm friends with a particular person, but then i find out things about her/him that disturb me and make me nervous. I was friends with a girl about a year before i got together with a guy. Then some time into the relationship, i find out that my guy had a thing with her. That makes me wonder, and wonder and wonder and wonder until i go out of my mind. Really. I analyse and analyse until i can see that, well, she's not the kinda girl who's out to get my guy or my guy hasn't got any feeling at all left for her or she's already got a new boyfriend. I've made quite a few female friends this way. It was really bad back then compared to now. This is the 'bad' kinda jealousy.
Once or twice only, have i ever experienced the 'ugly' kinda jealousy. Oh man. You probably wouldn't want to be around when this happens. But don't worry, i don't do these things now. This is when i really can't get over something, and my mind keeps running the things that upset me over and over and over until i get really mad. And as i look back at those times, i really wonder what the heck was wrong with me, to do such things, to think in such a stupid way. I usually do something really dumb as a consequence of getting mad from all the ruminating. I had quite a time, especially with girls who just don't know when to quit, being mean or rude, telling them off, and other stuff to get rid of them or something. Surprisingly, i've met quite a few friends this way too.
One guess how many of these friends are female...
And they always say they understand. Then i sense 'kindred spirits' like in Anne of Green Gables. Cos they do understand. I wonder why. Perhaps most women think this way? Perhaps its the age old instinct to protect whats yours? Perhaps we're just not secure enough in the Lord to get over things like these. And so i pray. To not feel jealous of others and to be satisfied with what God has blessed me with.
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