I cannot say no...

Relationships.
Its such an old old story.
Everybody has some, some people have none.
And i mean the romantic type.

To cut a long story short, nada.
Right now, i'm single.
Unfortunately, i'm also not available.
*grin*
Not that there is some potential guy around.
There are, but i'm not.
I'm not the potential girlfriend.

Cos i'm just not sure i can be the right girlfriend.
Question after question ring in my mind.
Can i really commit to this person?
Is this person the one?
Can i trust this person to be pure and vice versa?
Does this person share my faith and my fervor for my faith?
Will this relationship last?
Because i really dont want to waste my time with someone i'm not potentially gonna marry.

The thing is...
I'm sure God has someone just for me.
Someone special...
Who's kind and loving, will love me all of my days and whom i'll love and cherish all of my life and more. Who makes me laugh, just with a twinkle in his eye. Who'll put up with my not-so-selfish-ways-anymore and still love me in spite of it. Someone i'll support with all my energy and with all my heart. Most importantly, someone who i can grow old with, someone who will join me in my journey with God as the heart of our relationship.
But knowing that this person is out there...
Just knowing it, makes me abit impatient.
And it doesn't help the fact that i'm lonely
Needing a hug here and there
Just someone to tell me everythings going to be okay
Muss my hair and comfort me.



Today.
I'm reminded of my dearest darling boyfriend, lover and my everything.
Who's always there for me, loves me unconditionally and holds my hand everyday.
Who leads me and guides me.
Picks me up when i fall, and boy, do i fall alot.
He picks me up, brushes the dust off, kisses my hurts better and helps me walk on.
And always has the best intentions for me.
He knows whats best for me.
And he hugs me and i know that i don't need any human person, who's imperfect and sins and disappoint me and hurts me. I don't need a human person to fulfill my life.
Because he can't, no man could ever fill my heart, my life like Jesus can.
Only Jesus can.

And i have been unfaithful.
I gave my heart to a man, made him my everything.
My sun rose and set with him.
It wasn't enough.
It wasn't enough to fulfill me, whatever it was i was searching for belonged in no man's arms.
And i can only imagine how hurt i would be if my husband was unfaithful to me.
In no way, would i ever wish that pain on someone.
And so i've been unfaithful.
I wouldn't forgive me.
But Jesus does, and always will.
Forgives me, loves me all the time, no questions asked.
And as i crawl back to him, broken hearted, dejected and rejected,
i'm amazed at the infinite patience and love he has for me.
At how he's still willing to take me back in his arms and comfort me,
wipe my tears away and heal my heart.

How can i say no?
How can i turn away?
How am i expected to love a mere man, when all this love is there for me?
This moment, the next moments, the coming days, my whole life...
I could never say no...

And this is why i am still single.
This is not the time for anyone else.
Its time for me to be in relationship with the only one i'll ever need.
I can only hope that i can love him as much as he loves me.
And i'll trust him...
And maybe, the right man will come along one day.
And the right time would come by and i would share my love...
But no way would i ever consciously let my heart belong completely to another man now.
I have hopes that God will give me a good man, who understands this and supports it.
Who loves the Lord with all his heart and shares a tiny part of it with me.
Cos that's all i can ask for...