Leaving?

What do you do when someone leaves?

The questions running through my head...how long?...are you coming back?...are you sure?...will you be okay?...will you be coming back?...i know i asked that twice, but are you sure?...can you please come back?...REMEMBER TO BRING SOMETHING BACK FOR ME, WILL YA?

Haha. I know, i'm so selfish. Well.

On a different note, where the heck can i find Sex and the City season 4? It's like all the stocks of that season just disappeared, out of Malaysia. I can't seem to find it anywhere, and i mean, i've almost been everywhere. If any of you find it, can you either get it for me as my belated Christmas present...don't worry, i'll make an exception for the lateness...or let me know where it is so i can get it myself...hmph...

Sick people#2

See...i always get blamed. You know why?
If you do, please let me know... i would really like to know.

Sick person scenario #2:
Work today. Call all, but sick person says not coming. Go ahead with work. Sick person comes and works. Then sick person gets sick. Then i'm blamed for calling sick person at all.

So there you have it. I'm a good scapegoat, people!!! If anything goes wrong, just blame me!

Changing...

Everything's changing... all out of my control...
Well, i can't seem to do anything right nowadays. Things done with the best of intentions also get misinterpreted to be the worst meanings.

I'm starting to wonder whether i really am that terrible. Yeah, haha, only now starting to wonder huh?
Wonder about God...whether He's really there...no, i have no doubt that He is there...but if He is...then is He like a little kid with a magnifying glass and an anthill?...it sure seems so...but He can't be like that...

Wonder about myself...am i really that stupid...how come i still don't see it...i'm so hopeless...can't get anything right...should i be allowed to live...i think i need to be caged up in a cell all alone so i don't harm or hurt anyone else...

Wonder about others...am i really that bad...or are they just picking on me...maybe i'm too out of the ordinary thats why they can't accept me...why do they have to keep on judging me based on my past...everything i do, i know they're watching like a hawk...just waiting to sink those judgement nets onto me and nail me to the ground...why can't they walk the talk like they expect me to...

Wonder about interpretations...wow, am i that bad a writer?...do i write so terrible that everyone misinterprets my meanings?...i should learn to be more specific when writing...so people don't get offended or have room to read between the lines...

Wonder about AFC...should i stay?... why should i stay...is it good enough for me...am i good enough for it...does God still want me here...what do they have to offer...what do i have to offer...

Some say i'm just misunderstood. Am i, really?

Betcha

And you know what? I betcha that after that post, people will come up to me and say, oh wow, the truth huh? Not gossip huh? Haha, who are you trying to kid? Not intentional huh? You're such a liar. Roll over and die la.

Haha. Betcha that people will straightaway cast judgement nets over my head. Betcha only people who really stick it out like a good friend should like StDavinus or LV will call and really be concerned, not like most who call and pretend to care but actually only want to know the juicy shit. Betcha people will say, if you want others to care for you then you should care for others. Well, works the same way both ways.

Betcha that people will think i'm lying again, like i always do. Betcha people think i'm still the young impressionable selfish girl that i always am, and i never changed through the years. Betcha people will overlook the logs in their eye to criticise the many specks in mine. Betcha they don't care anyway, so why bother.

Honestly honesty

Honestly is honesty really wanted? That's what people say, they want the honest to God cross your heart hope to die HONESTY. And people fight for this kinda honesty. But when the brutal shit no crapping honesty is given to them on a silver platter, its called lack of tact, insensitive and all that crap.

That's the thing. People want you to be honest but they don't say it comes with the fine print that says, oh, but not too honest k? Can't take it la. So what if i thought it was awkward? It's the truth, i thought it was awkward. So i can't even write that i felt awkward when i met someone new? That's a bit dumb la. Yeah so it was awkward because i made it awkward and therefore felt awkward. I didnt write that the new person made it awkward i didnt say that the new person was a shithead and therefore made everything so bloody awkward. WTF when ppl ask me then i told them well, i felt awkward la. Whats the big deal.

I'm not even gossiping. Gossip is when you pass on false or semifalse tales to others. These are not false tales. This is true to the very last spot stories of what has happened. I don't even know who reads this stupid old blog so how can you say its intentional.

Truth is, if everything was to everyone's pleasant standards, then what's the ***king point of having your human right to freedom? Cos then you're not free, you're just living by standards of other people, who make you conform to their way of living. Cos that's what this censorship deal is. Making me conform to your way of life, your way of thinking, and your ways. Fullstop. Period. So this honesty bullshit really is bullshit. Cos nobody really wants your honest opinion. They want you to say what they wanna hear or say things that are pleasant and not in opposition to their delicate natures. So screw my thoughts, my feelings, my everything, cos other people's feelings matter? Sorry, here in this blog, the only one's feelings who matter are mine.

Mobile

Went back home again
this sucks gotta pack up and leave again
say goodbye to all my friends
can't say when I'll be there again
It's time now to turn around
Turn my back on
EVERYTHING (turn my back on) everything....

[chorus]
Everythings changing when I turn around all out of my control I'm a mobile.
Everythings changing when I turn around all out of my control I'm a mobile.

Start back at this life
Stretch myself back into the vibe
I'm waking up to say I've tried
Instead of waking up to another TV GUIDE
It's time now to turn around
Turn and walk on this crazy ground oh oh oh....

[chorus]
Everythings changing when I turn around all out of my control I'm a mobile
Everythings changing out of what I know everywhere I go I'm a mobile
I'm a mobile

Hanging from the ceiling lifes a mobile spinning round
with mixed feelings crazy & wild ...
sometimes I wanna SCREAM OUT LOUD ....

Everythings changing
everywhere I go
All out of my control
Everythings changing
everywhere I go out of what I know

la la la la la la (la la)
la la la la la la (la la)
la la la la la la (la la la)
la la la la la la

Understanding

I don't understand how people can read something written in innocence without any particular ill feeling and think up these illfeelings...

People

Sigh. Is there any other word that could say more right now? Sigh. I'm so tired of people. People who judge me. People who only remember my past. People who nag. People who can't keep their mouths shut. People who purposely annoy or irritate me. People who think i'm stupid. People who can't think past their mindset about me. People who i care about. People who i don't care about. People!

Why can't everyone live in a slightly less serious world. Be happy, funny, cheerful or at least try to be. People need to be less serious. No need to preach so much. Sometimes preaching doesn't get people to God you know. It might just drive them the other way running fast. Nagging too. Even if you're not happy, be happy. I know i don't do that all the time, but i try.

I had a good Christmas...until one by one, the sadness and negativity of others bring me down. Ergh. I hope it all goes away.

Nothing Nice?

Old saying one...

If you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything.

Old saying two...

If you don't say anything, people won't think you're dumb.

Good sayings. Do i need to explain?

Screw the World

You know, whats the point of having an opinion if you can't express it? Tact whatever bullshit la. Who cares man. I'm just talking about how i felt, so apa u sakit. So what if people read? If you terasa then if you wanna talk to me then talk la. Like certain people can do that fine no freaking problem. But if you pmsing, don't bother to talk to me la. So we've established the fact that i'm stupid, so what? I wanna express you in the way that i see you, then i crap freaking will.

That's what art is...expression. You always tell me the way you see me...not flatteringly so... So if i say what i think about you, you terasa. Go die la. What's up with you, man? The whole day, snapping at me left right and center? What do i look like, a punching bag? Go bite a pillow.

So the point of this post is...
I'm stupid
I don't think
I don't care

Hah? so you already think i'm stupid and don't think...what really do you expect then? Like nothing better to do. Piss me off. sucks.

Do I Look Like A Punching Bag?

Edit: This is written in anger. I might regret this later, but well, that's what the "delete" button is for. You want honesty, here's your ****king honesty, served up on a silver platter.

Blessed Christmas!

It's Christmas!

Traditions that i observe every year are well underway...
peppermint mocha ice blended from coffee bean!!! Especially with the candy cane...
Visiting shopping malls to see the splendid displays...especially at Bintang Walk...
Christmas service
Andrea's open House...and tomyam spaghetti!!! Yum Yum...

I think i had about 3 peppermint ice blended somethings in the past week. I tried the Peppermint Mocha drink from Starbucks too, this one has little red sugar sprinkles on the cream...so cute! It's not bad but the Coffee Bean one is so much better.

This year, MidValley's display is by far the best of the lot...although Sungai Wang Plaza's display has improved too...

Christmas service...sigh...what can i say? You can see the evidence in the previous post.

Today, Andrea had her annual open house...and her specialty is TomYam Spaghetti...The most delicious! Now we all have new names....Let me list a few, you can guess who's who...

AMi
ECh
CSi
ESi
JLo
CLo
APe

Gehahaha...can guess anot? Quite easy la...shouldn't be a problem...

After her house, we went to Aaron's house...I've never seen his place before...Quite near Nat's house...now i know how to get to both their houses. They had wonderful lamb and mutton...Muaks! Finger licking good. Then his grandpa wanted us to sing a few carols so we did... Hahaha, we did a good job i think... kekeke...At least uncle enjoyed himself...

Well, thats it for today. Ergh, tomoro there'll be post mortem so i must prepare to face the masses...Blekk...Thank goodness one can only be Camp com for a year! Blekks...so Blessed Christmas, everyone...

Christmas isn't Christmas

til it happens...
In your heart...
Somewhere...
deep inside you...
is where Christmas...
really starts...


Kung Fu Pic. Davin getting whacked by the two of us.


The Cultural surrounding the Non-Cultural...I can't help it, i'm just one of a kind!!! Gah.


Jan and i...this is a very nice pic...


A sane pic of Gothic meets China meets India...

This is by far the best pic!

Butt pic...awww, i turned my face, supposed to be butts only.

Me, my baby bro, LV and the 6 months baby

The picture of tradition. We take a pic every year that we use on Friendster.

Girly Pic...with exception of the bald monkey behind. He's not supposed to be there. I'm right in front kneeling, Jason just dumped Zephy in my arms.

ME and the V

Sick

I'm sick of sick people. No offense to some people who might just take this the wrong way, but yeah, i'm so sick of sick people. First off, i think some should just suck it up and move on with life man. I like being sayang-ed and manja-ed but there is a limit u know. I can't stand people who just act sickly all the time and when they are really sick, they pretend to be sicker than they really are, maybe just to get attention. How.....DEPRIVED. And people like me, who suck it up and try not to show they're sick, get pushed off their seat so the "sick" can sit.

It's not that i don't care. It's just that i can't stand it when they pretend. Even more so if i get pushed off my seat for them or i have to stretch out a limb to help them because basically, i think they don't deserve it. They should sit on the floor where the liars like them belong.

So don't you dare tell me i don't care, cos some of the sick or disabled that i know will tell you thats shit, cos if i deem that they are really deserving and not pretending, then i will help or stick a limb out for you.

Finally

It has all come to an end.

Thank GOD!

In this camp, the reality of God really struck me and i can safely say, all the campers too.
So many were struck with illness and sickness, but most were unbased.
There wasn't a trace to where these illnesses started.
There were sore throats and coughs so we couldn't sing our joy.
There were stomach aches so we couldn't dance.
There were high fevers so we couldn't move.

That day at the Salvation Army Girls Home, we just stopped everything and prayed. Prayed so hard, that literally waves of the Holy Spirit came down. Just before that, we had sent Bethilda and Joanna off to the hospital...right after we stopped praying, they arrived back, feeling better and with nothing wrong with them. They were God's miracles that day.

So empowered with the Holy Spirit, we led on to the old folks home and Kinta City, an army marching on stedfastly.

And there we danced like never before. We carried the banner of the Lord onto that makeshift stage and proclaimed it like crazy.

And that endeth AFC bootcamp 2005.

I'm back...

I'm back...but not for long.

Going back to camp soon. Actually today is AFC bootcamp oredi

Just came back from MAD camp yesterday morning.

Tired and sick

Going to die la...

See you guys next week.

Lamb, anyone?

Here's a story about praying right...

Let's say YouNice and her brother, BuayaDarat *ok, maybe thats not so nice but well, its true*. BuayaDarat doesn't eat lamb. So, when YouNice calls BuayaDarat to ask him what he wants for dinner, naturally he says, anything but lamb. Then YouNice calls their mom, saying in BuayaDarat's name, that he wants lamb for dinner.

What does mom do?

What?? But he doesn't eat lamb.

So picture this in a God, Jesus and you sense, cos people always use Jesus' name when praying. So you pray for something not so right and ask for all this in Jesus' name. And so God goes...

What???

Same thing. Blekk. So i really don't know what to pray for sometimes, for fear of praying about the wrong thing.

Israel, Their Kings and God

Have you heard the story of Israel, Their Kings and God?
Israel wasn't satisfied with God, they wanted a King, something more tangible?
So God gave them a King, Saul...look how that turned out, then David, he fell too, and then Solomon...which didn't turn out well at all.

StDavinus told me this story when i was saying, i need something, someone more tangible. See? Me, wanting someone,something more tangible, and there comes all these guys. Who are great guys but, well, everyone falls.

Sigh. When will just God be enough? I don't know. I really don't know.

Angler

The angler tried his luck again. This trout, he swore to make it his again. This angler, he only fished for the fun of the chase, and because he knew he could make the trout his again. He and the trout had history, he had managed to catch this trout three times before but all three times he released it after getting it.

With three wounds in its lip where the angler's hook pierced, the trout swam around the bait, wondering whether it should bite or swim away. It knew it could get other food elsewhere, but there was just something about the bait that this angler dangled that made it sweeter than any other kind of food.

The trout swam closer, wondering if it could get the bait without getting hurt. Hey, i think i can do it, the trout thought. And it bit.

Swoosh, went the line as the trout flew into fresh air, landing with a thud into the angler's awaiting arms. It's okay, it thought, at least i have the bait in my mouth. And as the angler rejoiced in his victory, the trout lay there gasping, it had a choice, to spit out the bait or to die faster. So it spat it out, the angler maneuvered the hook out of its lips and as the angler threw the trout back into the lake, the trout drew its dying breath.

The angler tossed it in and packed up to go. He walked away, contemplating another date with the trout, the trout lay belly up.

Guilty as charged?

When is it the right time to feel guilt?

1. As you are committing something bad - not necessarily a sin but something out of the ordinary. could even be eating chocolate cake.
2. During the action of something bad -same as above
3. After you have committed it - same as above

What if you don't feel guilt at all? Even if you are doing something bad - not necessarily a sin but something out of the ordinary. could even be eating chocolate cake.

Could it be dismissed as confidence?

When is it the right time to feel guilt?