I cannot say no...

Relationships.
Its such an old old story.
Everybody has some, some people have none.
And i mean the romantic type.

To cut a long story short, nada.
Right now, i'm single.
Unfortunately, i'm also not available.
*grin*
Not that there is some potential guy around.
There are, but i'm not.
I'm not the potential girlfriend.

Cos i'm just not sure i can be the right girlfriend.
Question after question ring in my mind.
Can i really commit to this person?
Is this person the one?
Can i trust this person to be pure and vice versa?
Does this person share my faith and my fervor for my faith?
Will this relationship last?
Because i really dont want to waste my time with someone i'm not potentially gonna marry.

The thing is...
I'm sure God has someone just for me.
Someone special...
Who's kind and loving, will love me all of my days and whom i'll love and cherish all of my life and more. Who makes me laugh, just with a twinkle in his eye. Who'll put up with my not-so-selfish-ways-anymore and still love me in spite of it. Someone i'll support with all my energy and with all my heart. Most importantly, someone who i can grow old with, someone who will join me in my journey with God as the heart of our relationship.
But knowing that this person is out there...
Just knowing it, makes me abit impatient.
And it doesn't help the fact that i'm lonely
Needing a hug here and there
Just someone to tell me everythings going to be okay
Muss my hair and comfort me.



Today.
I'm reminded of my dearest darling boyfriend, lover and my everything.
Who's always there for me, loves me unconditionally and holds my hand everyday.
Who leads me and guides me.
Picks me up when i fall, and boy, do i fall alot.
He picks me up, brushes the dust off, kisses my hurts better and helps me walk on.
And always has the best intentions for me.
He knows whats best for me.
And he hugs me and i know that i don't need any human person, who's imperfect and sins and disappoint me and hurts me. I don't need a human person to fulfill my life.
Because he can't, no man could ever fill my heart, my life like Jesus can.
Only Jesus can.

And i have been unfaithful.
I gave my heart to a man, made him my everything.
My sun rose and set with him.
It wasn't enough.
It wasn't enough to fulfill me, whatever it was i was searching for belonged in no man's arms.
And i can only imagine how hurt i would be if my husband was unfaithful to me.
In no way, would i ever wish that pain on someone.
And so i've been unfaithful.
I wouldn't forgive me.
But Jesus does, and always will.
Forgives me, loves me all the time, no questions asked.
And as i crawl back to him, broken hearted, dejected and rejected,
i'm amazed at the infinite patience and love he has for me.
At how he's still willing to take me back in his arms and comfort me,
wipe my tears away and heal my heart.

How can i say no?
How can i turn away?
How am i expected to love a mere man, when all this love is there for me?
This moment, the next moments, the coming days, my whole life...
I could never say no...

And this is why i am still single.
This is not the time for anyone else.
Its time for me to be in relationship with the only one i'll ever need.
I can only hope that i can love him as much as he loves me.
And i'll trust him...
And maybe, the right man will come along one day.
And the right time would come by and i would share my love...
But no way would i ever consciously let my heart belong completely to another man now.
I have hopes that God will give me a good man, who understands this and supports it.
Who loves the Lord with all his heart and shares a tiny part of it with me.
Cos that's all i can ask for...

Truth ache

I'm allover aching.
Dance training is always grueling nowadays.
If anyone says they're not sweaty, tired or aching, then they are probably not putting in as much effort as i am *raspberry*

This far in the program, i'm not exactly happy with my progress.
I don't even know whether there's progress.
The instructors tell me,'Oh good. Very good.' and 'Nice, very nice'.
But you're never really sure.
I think i want the deep down hard and dirty critique.
Cos then i know exactly what i'm doing wrong so i can improve that
and exactly what i'm doing right so i can improve that also *grin*

Cos it always seems to me like i'm doing fine.
And other people look at me dancing and they tell me wow i'm a fantastic dancer,
but you never really know whether they're telling u the truth, the absolute truth
or whether they're encouraging you... u know... pushing you on.
Christians like to do this.
Not good.

For me, i'll tell u the truth.
You suck, i'll tell u, 'U suck lah!'
If u look funny, i'll laugh at you and then i'll tell u why its so funny and help you.
If you're good, i'll tell u i'm impressed.
No kissing your butt before it hits the ground anyway.
Cos its TRUE!
Serious.
I'm not the type of girl who would cheer and giggle with you, smile smile and such
then when you're gone, stab u and cut your throat.
Like i always say, if i don't like you...heh...
YOU'LL DEFINITELY KNOW IT.

I'm so glad that there's at least one part of my life where i'm proud to say i'm so honest, it's brutal. I'm not the most honest person in the world. There's nothing i love better than to spice up an interesting story abit. But well, that's changed.

Just the honest, brutal truth.
*heeeee*

Anyone want to buy my rug?

One year ago, i was stressed to the point of psychoness.
Now i'm so free, i really have nothing better to do than press out whiteheads and do facials for myself all day long. *pffft*

And also, i can gladly say that i'm so much a better person than i was when i wrote this.
*YES!!*


============================

Well, thanks for all the prayers people.
Things on the homefront are much better, altho problems are not solved as yet.
The thing is, they like to sweep things under the rug,
push them away rather than deal with them.
And frankly, after 19 yrs of sweeping loads of shit under the rug,
its not working for me.

It just gathers a whole load of dust under there
and its just piling and piling and piling.

And its not gotten me anywhere.
So now...
I have a whole lot of shit that needs to be cleared up.
Not that i'm blaming anyone of course.
I did all the sweeping myself.
But well...the methods could have been better.

And i'm just tired of hiding, running away.
I've found better and easier ways to deal with my problems.
Try facing them and solving them.
Then at least the area under the rug is clear.
And keep on spring cleaning until you don't even need a rug anymore.

*grin*

Help?

I would like to join the mission trip to Myanmar this coming February.
Problem is, no money.
Problem is, have to get tickets by this weekend.
Problem is, about RM900.

I don't have that big enough an amount to pay for it all by myself.
Mum says, nevermindlah, next time lah.
I'm thinking, i'm not going on holiday you know. This IS NOT A HOLIDAY.
Not going for a joyride. I want to go because i can serve.

I have enough for half.
Asked her to pay ahead for the ticket, she won't.
I'm slightly pissed by that.
(okay, maybe cos she's already spending so much for my education, i give her that)
I'm not exactly at wits end yet.
I still have until Friday i guess.
But where oh where can i find a generous enough person to pay ahead close to RM1000 for me.
Sigh. Sometimes this kinda stuff sucks.

*to be continued after i come back from breakdance*

So i'm back.
And someone is buying the ticket ahead of time for me.
YAY!

Now the problem is my mum.
Sometimes i really don't understand her.
Some of her "things" are so ridiculous.
But she's my mum, n i love her.
It's just that sometimes, its real hard to remember that.

Maybe its hard for her to remember i'm not 9 anymore.
I'm gonna be 20, 21 soon.
I mean, you can't be serious?!
Not like i've not shown her i'm independent enough, i know how to take care of myself, i can deal with my money properly, i can handle my own stuff.
I've shown her, she's seen and dammit, she's bragged and boasted about it.

"Oh yeah she's so independent now. She did everything herself.
She can take care of herself well.
At least i know she's not doing bad stuff outside."

Well i think its about time to start acting like you believe it.
Really cheeses me off.

*grrrr*

Growth Chart

You know you can actually read people's blogs and sort of chart their growth throughout the years. Like for instance, me. A couple of friends have mentioned how i've *heh* "matured" since i started blogging 2 yrs ago. And just today, i read another blogger's post on how reading your old posts make you realize how much you've grown or not grown.

And as i go through the usual list of suspects whose blogs i read, i can see how people have grown up, grown past the issues of the issues of the teenage years, into working life, and how they keep growing in the Lord.

Then, i come across several, who month after month repeat the same things over and over again and it seems like they never learn. Really, its that obvious. For me, i like to read people's blogs starting from the very first post until the most recent one. At least then i know some background and style. That's why its so clear to me how some people have just swoooshed on with age, but leaving their minds and hearts back in the tweens. Sometimes i get so bored of reading these blogs, cos they're just going on about the same things ALL the time. I mean, come on, get some variety la. At least have variety in your problems, if you don't have variety anywhere else in your life. Its like sheesh.

As for me, i can only hope there is some, at least a little bit of growth. =) and i keep praying for more.

========================

On a different note, Back in the far away past, was this post.

The amazing thing is, i don't even remember what the argument was about or why i was so angry. Closet? Doesn't ring any bells at all, seriously. I can't remember AT ALL. And usually i would say that sucks, but in this case, i'll let it fly. Cos i'm not sure i want to remember something that made me so angry.

I sometimes really wonder what the heck i was thinking, doing things that i did. Really. It amazes me how stupid i could be.

What kind of blogger are you?

You Are a Pundit Blogger!

Your blog is smart, insightful, and always a quality read. Truly appreciated by many, surpassed by only a few

What Kind of Blogger Are You?

I don't even know what 'pundit' means.

Stab stab stab

The rules:
Bold the statements that are true to you.
Italise the statements that you WISH are true.
Leave the Fibs alone.
Then, stab 5 people to do the same test.

I miss somebody right now.
I dont watch TV these days.
I wear glasses or contact lenses.
I love to play video games.
I've tried marijuana.
I've been in a threesome.
I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.
(hehe, you don't even wanna know what i did)
I believe that honesty is usually the best policy.
(i believe it. doesn't mean its easy =)
I curse.
(I'm trying to stop, i swear)
I have changed mentally over the last year.
(at least i hope i did)
I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.
I'm TOTALLY smart.
I've broken someone's bones.
I'm paranoid sometimes.
I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe , free of cost, and scar-free.
I need money right now.
I love sushi.
I talk really,really fast.
I have long hair.
I have lost money in Las Vegas.
I have at least one sibling.
I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past.
(Don't ask me which)
I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.
I like the way I look.
I am usually pessimistic.
I have a lot of mood swings.
I have a hidden talent.
I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar i have.
I have a lot of friends.
(yeah, but which are friends and which are good friends)
I'm currently single.
I have pecked someone of the same sex.
I enjoy talking on the phone.
I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.
I love to shop.
Enjoy window shopping.
I would rather shop than eat.
I don't hate anyone.
I'm a pretty good dancer.
I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
I have a cell phone.
I believe in God.
I watch MTV on a daily basis.
I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.
I've rejected someone before.
(some ONE? is there an option for some TWO or some THREE? Let's just say i'm picky)
I want to have children in the future.
I have changed a diaper before.
I've called the cops on a friend before.
I'm not allergic to anything.
I have a lot to learn.
I have been with someone at least 10 years older or younger.
(ha ha! 6 doesn't count)
I am shy around the opposite sex.
I have tried alcohol before.
I have made a move on a friend's significant other or crush in the past.
(past? hmm...how past is past?)
I own the "South Park" movie.
I would die for my best friends.
I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza.
I have used my sexuality to advance my career.
I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all.
Halloween is awesome because you get free candy.
I watch Spongebob Squarepants and i like it.
I am happy at this moment!
I'm obsessed with guys.
(i'm not, but i know a few people who are!)
I study for tests most of the time.
I tie my shoelaces differently from anyone I've ever met.
I am comfortable with who I am right now.
I have more than just my ears pierced.
I walk barefoot wherever i can.
I have jumped off a bridge.
I love sea turtles.
I spend ridiculous money on makeup.
I plan on achieving a major goal/dream.
I'm proficient in a musical instrument.
(hmm...define proficient...)
I worked at McDonald's restaurant.
I hate office jobs.
I love sci-fi movies.
I think water rules.
I went to college out of state.
I like sausages.
I love kisses.
I fall for the worst people.
I adore bright colours.
I can't live without black eyeliner.
I somehow enjoyed this thingy !!!
I usually like covers better than originals.
I can pick up things with my toes.
I can't whistle.
I can move my tongue in waves, much like a snakes slither.
I have ridden/owned a horse.
I still have every journal I've ever written in.
I can't stick to a diet.
(never even been on a diet)
I talk in my sleep.
I try to forget things by drowning them out with loads of distractions.
Climbing trees is a brilliant past-time.
I have jazz in my blood.
I wear a toe ring.
I can't stand at LEAST one person that i work with.
I am a caffeine junkie.
I cosplay or know what cosplaying is
I have been to over 15 conventions.
I will collect anything, and the more nonsensical the better.
I'm an artist.
I only clean my room when necessary.
I like a person of the same sex.
I love being happy.
I am an adrenaline junkie...

I stab whoever's reading this.

He always answers

You have questions.
I have questions.

Everyone has questions we want answered.

The thing is, if the question is not asked, then why should it be answered?
Other things like are you asking the right person also matter in asking questions.

I recently had an important question i needed answered.
Does God really speak to us today and how?
How can we really be sure its God?

I asked a friend, who has regaled me with many stories on how God answers.
I understood what was said, but i needed more.
I just wasn't satisfied.

So i set out to search for myself.
I ask more people, i read books, i google.

And in that process of discovery, i realise that...
1. If you don't ask, you won't know.
2. If you don't ask the right person, you won't get the right answer.
3. If you don't want to listen, you won't hear it, even if it's right in front of you.

No its not Google.
after all the frantic typing, i just sat down.
Prayed.
And God answered.
*snap* just like that.
And not only that, He keeps speaking to me everyday.
Its just that, maybe i wasn't willing to listen, maybe i shut my ears...
I can "maybe" alot of things.

But the fact is, i wasn't willing, so i didn't hear.
And now i am, and i hear Him all the time.

I'm actually quite jealous of people who can hear God in an audible voice.
Yes, there are such people, and no it doesn't mean God loves them more than He loves me or you. It just means, God appeals to different people differently, in the way they need to hear.
But oh well, i'm comforted by the fact that as i grow in relationship with God, the more "audible" He'll be in my life.

*grin*

DOA: Definitely DEAD

Dead or Alive. A movie i'd rather have died than seen. What a waste of money.
Please. The girls don't help.
The boobs didn't help.
the abs didn't help.
The stupid fake martial-arts-ass-whupping only made it worse.

Ah yes guys, there are alot of boobs, butts and abs, so if that tickles your fancy...


...don't watch this show.

Really. its so not worth it.
Might as well sit in front of your computer in the comforts of your own home and (fill in the blanks). Hahahaha.

Ahh, dem memories...

I just came back from supper with my restless parents at A&W, which is totally rare. As my dad drove us through pee jay in the dark of the night, i recall many sleepless nights spent there with you, with jugs and jugs of A&W rootbeer, and lots of talking and crapping, just having fun. That was a fun time wasn't it?

We passed the park. Memories from there spring up like ghosts, haunting me. Those were the good days. Funny what your mind remembers and what it doesn't. The bad days seem to pass by in a blur, fast forwarded in my head. I can't even remember any details.

Ah well. Those were our days. I had fun, so did you. Now, the time is not yours or mine, its His.

Recovering Shit

I got my com back with almost all its data! Yay!

The thing about recovering data is that, you might get it back in weird order or you might recover things that you probably don't want to recover. My com died, or at least i thought it did, okay okay, correction! My com went into a coma right after BouncingNinjaTurtle left *talk about great timing* and basically all the people who tried to fix it, couldn't.

I almost lost hope for this one, but i waited patiently for Turtle to come back. And so he did, and he fixed it. But in the process of fixing it, he needs to scan the whole thing and see what he can recover. And he recovered quite alot of stuff. Among the recovered files are things i really wished i never did, wrote, or downloaded. And sad to say, it was all for his looking when Turtle was going thru my stash to check if the pictures, music, movies and such come out okay. Its like when you're 17, you do drugs, you keep a stash hidden away so your parents dont find it. Then u grow up, get a brain, get married and your 17 yr old kid who's staying in your old room finds it and with it, goes thru the whole stash. And you are face to face with all the nonsensical stuff of your past. And you just wish you never did that in the first place.

Well, this is similar. Its almost exactly the same. Now i have to go through all the files and folders and get rid of them slowly. And really, i cringe everytime i see one of those stupid things that i liked, ranging from the mild Forever Friends bears and Charmed, to the darker side of me. *haha, you're not entitled to know*

Isn't it just like life for this to happen? All i can say is...this gives me an opportunity to think about who i was, who i am now, and who i want to be in the future. An opportunity to erase the past *hey, i'm grabbing this opportunity. How often do you get to erase the past?* and start anew, choosing the best from then and moving ahead with it.

Dedication to Addiction (draft one)

Here's a little something thats close to my heart. It's not poetry, i'm not a poet, it's just some random crap i've been thinking of lately, but it says what it needs to, straight from my heart. Sorry about the cursing here and there, just putting a little anger into perspective.

===============

Addiction.
Some people are addicted.
Drugs, slugs, bugs
you name it, they're addicted to it.
Some people are dedicated to being addicted.
Wasting bucks to suck for ----s.
So this is my dedication.
The dedication to my addiction.

To my addiction,
i can only say,
I'm such a sucker.
Like men, those mutha----ers
Men who use women
the giving in and pities
to get their way and what they want.
So Addiction spins his web
and tells his tales
and i willingly walk
into traps i make myself.

I squirm with discomfort
face to face with weakness
'i am human', my excuse
everyone has one
Everyone succumbs
untrue, of course
but i swept the truth
under the rug.

Until now.

One man.
I see he's clean.
Tempting, the scenes
but he never gives in.
He goes straight to the top
and asks for help
And Godly strength is his.
to live out a life
an exemplary life
Showing us
the way to kick Addiction to the curb
But we didn't listen
We were dependent
dedicated to our addiction
So we sent him away
Hung it all like in a closet
and shut the door in his face

But this man.
He had a purpose
To erase the 'addiction' in the sentence.
So he came back
And gave us a chance
to be able to dance
in freedom

This is where it ends,
the story of addiction.
No, not really
for i'm addicted again.
Addicted to the man
saviour of all
the man who became the Addiction
his name is Jesus
and he really did save us
all from dedication to addiction.

Yes yes here i am

Yes, i'm back.
Yes, i'm around.
Sorry the computer sucks and hasn't been working properly.

Well.
That said, i'm back for good for the time being.
And this is my update.
(insert grin here)